When I am old, I hope I'm long forgotten

I feel very uncomfortable around the elderly - I don't think this is a particularly rare sensation. And it's not, mind you that I dislike older people, by any means, I've always had the idea that if one could really sit down and be friends with someone who is 85 years old, it might be a very interesting relationship, but the whole idea of actually DOING it seems VERY intimidating somehow. This wasn't as bad when I was a child, although I mostly base that off my Grandpa who I think was in age denial right up until he died. And in all honesty, I must admit I was never fully comfortable around my other three grandparents, despite them being very friendly, nice people, I imagine. But even so, the idea of meeting a new older person, now, is very unsettling. We were at Amanda's Grandmother's house today, for dinner, and I felt utterly out of place, the entire time. I like Amanda's grandmother, she seems like she's probably a saucy, queer-smiled British woman with a lot of great stories to tell. But, I sat next to her, and I felt enormously, shamefully uncomfortable.

But, again, I don't think this is rare, because waatching other people interact with someone older isn't entirely comfortable either, there comes a certain age where everyone seems to recognize you as somewhat outside of their sphere, and they mak painful attemptys to be polite with you, attempts that seem uncomfortable and unnatural. I don't know when that age begins, but it does seem to come. I wonder what it is like when ther ar e a lot of older people around, if they are silly and playful, and enjoy each other, without feelings of obligation or discomfort. I also wonder how hard it must be to be a saucy, queer-smiled British woman, who everyone thinks of, treats as, and expects to be, a tired, sickly old matriarch... 


Amanda said...

When you're old, you probably won't hope that you're long forgotten. That's just sad.